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Breakups in the church are painful and uncomfortable, and many of us have or will walk this dark and lonely road. God engineered romance to express itself in fidelity and loyalty — in oneness (Genesis ; Matthew 19:9; 1 Corinthians 7:2–13).

So here are nine lessons for building hope and loving others when Christians end a not-yet marriage. Maybe you didn’t see it coming, and the other person suddenly wants out. Without the ceremony and covenant, it’s a divorce, but it can feel like it. Because dating is only a means to marriage, God’s design for our marriages speaks to his design for our dating relationships.

After all, seems to want most of us to be married (Genesis ; Proverbs ; 1 Corinthians 7:2, 9). The reality is that good, Christ-exalting relationships very often fail before the ceremony, never to be recovered romantically.

The pain cuts deeper and lingers longer than most pain young people have felt in their lives. It’s one of the hardest things for me to write or speak about: the pain of intimacy that fell short of matrimony.

You want to make sure you're not still in post-breakup mode.

You have to get past the (valid and often necessary) stage of curling up on your couch and really mourning the loss of your relationship and to the point where you're back in the swing of work, hobbies, friends, and everything else your life normally includes.

On the other hand, you might need less time if your relationship was very short.

More important than the specific amount of time you need, though, is the state of mind you're in.

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This doesn’t mean every dating relationship should end in marriage, but it does mean breakups will hurt.

"This way, you will feel whole and in high self-esteem before you go back into the next relationship and won't just be trying to fill that hole," says Sherman.

Taking a break from dating after a breakup isn't just about licking your wounds, though—it's also about figuring out what you've learned and can carry over to your next relationship, says psychologist Sanam Hafeez, Psy. "The ends of relationships teach us so much about ourselves: our style of communication, whether that style is effective or not, how we handle insecurities, conflict, and co-existing as an individual and as part of a two-some simultaneously," she says.

How long should you , says it's hard to put a number on it—but you'll probably want to wait at least a month before jumping back into the dating pool again."Most people need a month or two to process the breakup, to mourn, and to integrate lessons before jumping back in if they were in a fairly serious relationship," she says.

If you dated someone for a year or more, you may need three to four months.

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